Swallow My Pride

I'm transferring from the U of M to MCTC this fall. It's cheaper, it's smaller and the nursing program is better. Lined up this coming semester are: Biology, Chemistry and a Nursing Assistant training course. In all, this is 14 credits. 14 terribly difficult credits. I'm not a math person by any stretch of the imagination so taking chemistry and biology in the same semester is a death sentence for me. The plan so far is to stay at home as much as humanly possible in order to pass these classes with nothing but flying colors.

Since I'll be finished with my nursing pre-reqs by January, I'll have free reign over my schedule for spring semester. I don't know what I'm going to do quite yet. I could get a certificate in Native American history in one semester, but what good is that? I could study abroad, which would be fantastic. There are no French study abroad options, only Spanish which is fine but I'd really like to continue with my French somehow. There's a Spanish study abroad option in the spring to go to Costa Rica for 6 months. I'll look into it if I have the cash. Or, I could get back into theater and get a theater arts certificate in one semester.

I love theater, I always have. Since the age of four, I've said I was going to be an actress someday. Being a comic is acting, sure, but it's definitely not the same as a constructed, thought-out play. I was involved in high school theater all four years and I adored it. I got to the U, tried to get involved there but I constantly felt alienated because I wasn't doing it for a career, I was doing it because it's a hobby of mine. The theater kids at the U didn't take me seriously because I'm a nursing student, not an artsy kind of student. That deterred me the entire time I was at the U. MCTC is a fresh start on all levels.

Another thing that's kept me away from it is the fact that the theater crowd in Minneapolis is extremely tight knit. I had done tech for a little theater production company called "Theory/Chaos" a few years in a row for the Fringe Festival. About 2 years ago, I stage managed 2 shows for the Emigrant Theater Company and it was the worst experience of my life. The director never liked me - if I had an idea for a scene she was struggling with, she'd snap at me, yelling "I'm the director for this play, you're the stage manager - shut your mouth and take notes!" Without mincing words, she was a condescending bitch to me and took nearly every opportunity to make me feel both ostracized and neglected. Looking at their website, I'm not even mentioned as the stage manager for either play that I worked with while other plays listed have the SM right up there with the director and the assistant director. I'm offended, really. Granted, I wasn't the absolute best SM, but I tried my damndest to make it a decent production. My duties included but weren't limited to operating lights and sound, lugging a ton (literally) of sand on and off a set, digging through the trash for props and keeping my mouth shut. I fucked up my cues a number of times and I regret that, but they really shouldn't have given me lights and sound at the same time - they should have relegated one of the two to someone else. It's hard enough to memorize cues for lights let alone for sound as well.

In anycase, my point is that the theater community here in Minneapolis is tight knit and since I fucked up royally with this Emigrant play I've most likely been bad mouthed throughout the city as a shitty SM and someone not to be hired or associated with in terms of theater. It makes me sad, guilty, angry and ashamed of myself really. My options are thus: I could either let the theater world go forever or I could clean up my name and become someone worth working with again.

Swallowing your pride is a very difficult thing to do, but starting this Fall I'm going to try to get back into it without caring too much what the Emigrant Theater Company or any of the other theater snobs think.

I just got back from a family vacation to Park Rapids, MN on Saturday. (<--- there's the view from our cabin.)We were there for a week, which is just long enough I think. Any longer and I'd go nuts. I can only handle so much time with the folks. I'm so used to living on my own and having my own space that when I'm crammed into a little cabin with 5 other people, I get a little touchy. I had a headache nearly the entire time and I don't know if it's from the meds I'm on or not being able to get away from people or the crappy bed or what I was eating. I still have an excruciating headache now - the kind where light makes you keel over in pain and Ibuprofen doesn't help. Maybe I should go to the doctor.

In comedy news, or lack thereof, I haven't been doing it at all for the past 3 weeks or so. I couldn't do it last week, being up North and the week before I just wasn't into it. I got really down on myself and couldn't decide if I really wanted to pursue it anymore or not. That was mostly due to the fact that I haven't written anything in a long time. And by "long time" I mean about a month. I won my contest and now I'm coming down from that, trying to find something to look forward to with comedy. I was spending my time perfecting my timing and stage presence and all that and not concentrating on writing.

In an effort to increase my creativity I started making jewelry up at the lake. I bought a bunch of crap beads from the Ben Franklin and started making earrings. They're actually pretty nice. I gave a few pairs away and the recipients seemed to like them. It's fun, but it hurts the back and eyes when done for over 2 hours at a time. It's really refreshing to be doing something artistic again.

I also picked up the guitar again. I hadn't played in maybe a year. Not with conviction, at least. I used to play all the time, I wanted to be like Nancy Wilson from Heart. (there's my guitar --->) Then I got to college and all of my priorities were forced to shift over to school and whoever I was dating at the time. I realise now that you (I) should never give up something I enjoy for someone I'm dating or anyone, really. It leaves you feeling empty and insecure. So now I'm playing again, remembering old songs and writing new ones. Nothing serious, just dicking around for now.

Also, since getting back from the lake, I've made a concerted effort to do things I generally wouldn't have done before going up North - ie: not going to ACME on Saturday night and instead going to a party by myself thrown by a friend I hadn't seen in almost a year with whom I thought I had a falling out but apparently not. It was just a misunderstanding I guess, at least that's what I'll leave it at. It was a dance party and it was awesome. Also, I went to my ex's little sister's 18th birthday party yesterday. Bow and I dated for about a year 3 years ago and we've stayed relatively close since. His sister came to my contest night and really enjoyed it. His other sister lives in San Francisco and comes back twice a year or so and she wanted to see me too. Bow's going through kind of a rough time and I hadn't seen him a while either. I'm going to keep doing things I normally wouldn't and see where it takes me. Both of the aforementioned shindigs were things that I didn't see myself having a good time at. I thought I'd be uncomfortable and awkward, but I had a really good at time at both of them and they were way better than sitting around on the computer or napping all day.

So life is taking all sorts of turns and I'm trying to just go along with them without struggling or forcing it. It's a lot easier said than done, but I'm making an effort and that's better than most, right?